Junk News! HUZZAH!

Anyway, I figured I should offer to post something on his blog for his kind gesture of saying I write for it. I haven’t done this in years, but hey, what the hell, let’s see what happens. I use Lords of Pain for all of the news bits. They haven’t changed in like 20 years and I’m much older now so the familiarity is a calming influence for me.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Bray Wyatt is currently my favorite character in the WWE. He’s playing a cult leader who isn’t good at professional wrestling.

Jim Ross retired yesterday from the WWE. Don’t worry about him, though. All of us who have devoted the best years of our lives to covering professional wrestling know that the work we’ve done won’t be laughed at by every non-wrestling related job we apply to. I bet when he tried to get that gig calling games for Oklahoma no one ever said, “You know this stuff is real, right?”

Jim Ross wrote in his blog that he might write a book. I’m excited about that. I really want to find out why he never let the Macho Man get into the Hall of Fame.

I’m three jokes in and worried I’m too insidery. Cause I’m in the know.

Observer is saying Vince McMahon basically fired Jim Ross because of some video game conference where he showed up drunk with Ric Flair. Wow, Ric Flair. Your alcoholism got JR fired. If only you had controlled your rampant drug use and drinking, maybe had you set a better example for Jim Ross, he’d still be with the WWE today.

Tyson Kidd and Natayla recently got married for that awful reality show that isn’t a reality show they’re doing, WWE Main Event.

Zack Ryder tweeted he wants to gain 15 pounds of muscle mass by mid-October. Can’t wait to see him in December when he gets back from his wellness suspension.

Stephanie McMahon has been selling off her stock in the company. When asked about this she said, “My father is getting old, and I don’t want to own a piece of this company when his incompetent kid takes over.”

Drew McIntyre was recently interviewed by Skysports.com and said, “Who cares what I said? No one. Soon I’ll be fired and go work for TNA for the 2 weeks before the shut down. They’ll probably make me champ.”

Christian has a pretty bad concussion and is not allowed to wrestle. Hey, Christian, maybe you should stop doing the flying head butt. You know, the move that broke Voldemort’s brain? Remember that whole situation? Maybe drop an elbow or a fist or not go to the top rope at all since you’re right around the corner from 40 and don’t need to be doing that stupid crap to pop the crowd.

Tammy Sytch posted a gross and creepy photo of a fan in bed with her from her “Under the Covers” photo op to prove how not gross and creepy it was.

AJ Styles recently signed a 3 month extension with TNA so he could be in the main event of their biggest PPV of the year, Bound for Justice Hardcore style or something. He’ll be wrestling Bully Ray for the thousands in the arena and the hundreds watching at home.

AJ Styles, please, someone direct him here. You need to listen to me. You really do. You’re awesome in the ring, you do all the flippys real good like. You can’t cut a promo to save your life, but that’s not a bad thing! It’s not something that can be fixed, especially at your age, but RVD can’t cut a promo and Jeff Hardy is a shit actor but no one gives a damn because of the flips and stuff and the taking off of shirts. You can take off your shirt and what not, right? Anyway, I’m getting off point. You have the tools to be the man in TNA, but even better, you have the tools to be an upper-midcarder in WWE. Sure, you’d have to put up with HHH saying you have no idea how to work but you have more than enough name recognition where they’d give you a little push and help you sell a ton of t-shirts. No more Bischoff and Hogan, just slightly competent business people helping you make more money in a year with WWE than you made in your entire TNA run. Hurry and do this quick before they decide the little man experiment is over and have you jobbing every week to some ex-football player who looks like Batista and moves like Khali. Go now! GO! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and Samoa Joe were the biggest stars in ROH. Two of them are the biggest stars in the industry, and the other is a senior citizen’s back-up. Learn from this! Why won’t you learn from this? I just want you to be happy, AJ. Rich and happy. Like I am, except, you know, rich and happy.

I started writing a terrible joke about Awesome Kong and got sad. But she’s back in the Indies, wrestling other people instead of her feelings.

The WWE has canceled their tour of Spain but is sending them Chris Hero for a 9 month apology tour.

Anyhow, that’s Junk News. I still got it! Right? No. Kay.