Mid-Year Evaluations, E through R

Continuing with my alphabetical rundown of every WWE main roster superstar as they approach the second half of 2013:

Epico, Primo, and Rosa Mendes: Some people have let the fact that these guys are small and agile fool them into thinking they’re good high flyers. I’ve seen no evidence that that’s true. In Epico’s case I’ve seen no evidence of much of anything, as he rarely scores any offense. Primo I know is firmly a selfish stodgy worker who made Sin Cara look bad on his debut (and Sin Cara would’ve done that just fine on his own!). It’s sad that these two got their default title reign, because a less distinguished tag team there never was. All that said, I really miss seeing Rosa wiggle that ass on TV.

Evan Bourne: Yup, still employed. I seriously wonder if he’s just laying low with this injury after all the shit he got into before. A return could be a fresh start for him, and hopefully they could start by getting rid of that weiner character. The name Evan Bourne is great but really? “The Aviation Nut”? One of those geeks that builds model planes and whacks off to fighter jets? How could you stick someone with that atrocity and have any hope that they’d get over? I’d like to see him add a little edge, maybe become more of a Jackass-style punk rock urban daredevil (a void left by Jeff Hardy and John Morrison that could easily be filled by a post-Shield Seth Rollins or, as I’ll talk about later, Justin Gabriel).

Ezekiel Jackson: This guy has no clue. That this no talent fuck held the same title as Ricky Steamboat, Curt Hennig, and Bret Hart is disgusting. If roid-muscles and nothing else actually impressed people, Mr. Olympia would outsell the Super Bowl. Not much you could do with this guy. I’d maybe hype his South American roots and make him an ethnic strongman gimmick like Ivan Putski, with some Carnivale style music and hype videos with moco jambie dancers and shit, but even then it’s lipstick on a pig.

Fandango: I actually feel a little bad for him, believe it or not. If they’d have just calmed down and let the meme take root, he could’ve been all over the net for a few minutes and, since he’s got his character down pat and is pretty good on the mic and in the ring, he could’ve rode that wave for a while and earned his success. Instead they tried to meme-rape us and the whole thing just fizzled. Fandango has the potential to be the new Goldust or early-era Mankind (weirdo uppercard heel who creeps out opponents) but if they don’t play the character notes right he’ll just be Disco Inferno lite.

The Great Khali, Hornswaggle, and Natalya: I’m surprised, as they’re racheting up Natalya’s role in the Divas division (I’ll address them as a whole later, btw) on the eve of that E! Diva show, that they haven’t pulled her out of this mess yet. If they address their real life relationships on the show, they can’t very well have Nattie playing Khali’s girlfriend on Raw. So that just leaves Khali and Horny, dancing and jobbing. Khali is an abomination of a wrestler, but if they want to keep him around to do clean jobs to faces and make them look good for beating a giant, that’s the best they can hope for. Just seriously, the bloom is off the rose on ever making him seem legit scary. He’s a permanent comedy goof.

Hunico & Camacho: Its too bad these two have kind of disappeared, Hunico looked to be very talented. However, I have different ideas for both. Obviously Sin Cara is a dud, so after they send him back to Mexico they’re gonna need a masked babyface to replace Rey and shill masks to the kids (this character always needs to exist in some form. Kids can’t resist getting masks at shows, they’re always more fun than a t-shirt). So Hunico should get a mask and a new gimmick, and a visually impressive high flying finisher to go with. Camacho I have other ideas for, but you’ll have to wait for me to get to the R’s……

Jack Swagger: Owed an ass beating by Dolph, but besides that, he can keep doing what he’s doing. He needs to quit being a fuckup though. They should feud him with Sheamus for a while, to maybe skirt a little of the racist comparisons and make it clear that he’s against all foreigners, not just Mexicans.

Jimmy and Jey Uso: Pretty much where they can be. Not a lot of other ground to cover with that gimmick.

John Cena: Any dream of Cena turning heel is pretty much dead by now, he’s just not gonna do it. Even if he did, it wouldn’t really do much to freshen him up. So the best use for him is to line up as many top heels as you can and give him a Heel Of The Month type run. Let the focus of the feuds be more about their gimmick than Cena’s. Yeah, Cena probably wins every time. But at least guys who aren’t near his level can get a little rub off of it.

JTG: Didn’t he, like, pull a Mongo and go missing or something? I’d just let him and Shad reform Cryme Tyme on the indies, not much left for him in WWE.

Justin Gabriel: If things don’t work out with Evan Bourne, he could always do that daredevil gimmick I suggested (and they seemed to sort of hint at that on the JBL and Cole Show, with all the footage of him doing motorcycle stunts). Really though, reforming his team with Tyson Kidd and giving them matching outfits and a team gimmick to get over with as a blowjob high flyer team would work. Don’t let him talk though. No offense to the people of South Africa, but they sound like drunk Australians imitating Orson Welles.

Kane: Sounds like he’s about ready to hang up his boots and make the venture into politics. He’s been a great hand for them and he deserves to get a great sendoff. I’d even like to see him be a transitional WWE champ after Cena, just to give him one more run with the big belt that lasts longer than a day (maybe to transition it to Daniel Bryan???????)

Kofi Kingston: If he’s fine with his role then there isn’t much to be said. I’d be interested in seeing him get “lured to the darkside” and become a Paul Heyman guy, though. Maybe channel Money Mayweather a little bit. But if not, ah well.

Mark Henry: It really sucks that he took so long to get on the right character track, because he is starting to ratchet up the injuries and it’s affecting his momentum. Still, him vs. Cena is just a given at this point, and possibly him vs. Brock.

The Miz: Turn him back heel already.

R-Truth: Just not enough room for him anymore. He had his big run and did well with it but he’s pretty much consigned to a lifetime of being trotted out as a “Legend” and doing comedy segments.

Randy Orton: I’ve talked enough about Blandy this week, but I really wish that we were in the olden days where when someone was as stale as Orton is and was drifting their way back down the card, they cut them loose and moved someone else up rather than trying to character-feng-shui them so they can keep their spot. It’s not a fucking charity they’re running.

Rey Mysterio: Poor Rey. He can’t stay healthy long enough to get his one last memorable retirement run. He’s gotta be ready, so when he makes it back its gotta be All Systems Go on that. I get the feeling it’ll be with Swagger (although Rey is an American) but maybe they’ll try to have him pass the torch to Sin Cara. The question: do you have him unmask upon retiring?

Ricardo Rodriguez: Yes, Ricardo gets his own spot. Hey, the dude is over. He can keep being allied with Alberto but i’d like to see him get his own little side comedy angles. Namely, if he kept being attacked at ringside, he could hire Camacho as his bodyguard (not Alberto’s, because that would be heelish, but its ok for a comedy face). Then you can have them do tag matches and 6-mans with Alberto.

Roman Reigns: I salivate at the thought of Roman turning babyface and having a big feud with Ambrose, it could be some great stuff. I’m loving The Shield as they are but there is tons of potential later on with all of them. I really see Reigns as their best bet for another superhero babyface. If he keeps his head on straight and doesn’t go down the road of his cousin Umaga, he’s an absolute sure thing.

Ryback: I am actually shocked that they turned him heel so soon, when it actually seemed like he was working as a face and they got so behind “Feed Me More”. But, he really seems to be comfortable as a heel and he’s showing he can actually cut promos. Who knew? Regardless of anything, he needs to pull a Sheamus and downgrade the Shellshock to a setup move and just finish with the Meathook.

I’ll leave it there and pick up with the remainder of the roster, plus the Divas, tomorrow.