Princess Rant for Wrestlemania XV

I’ve
always talked about how much this Wrestlemania sucked but I haven’t watched it
in 14 years so it’s time for a full recap.

I’m excited that my awesome husband bought us tickets for Amy Schumer next week
as she is one of my favorite comedians. In case you have been living under a
rock she used to date Dolph Ziggler and admittedly broke up with him because he
was too much for her in bed. Nice to know someone’s willing to  put one of Dolph’s talents over. You can watch the clip here: http://teamcoco.com/video/amy-schumer-pro-wrestler

She was on Conan this week and talked a little about their relationship. Shame
she wasn’t a bigger name when they were dating because the WWE would have
plugged the shit out of it. It’s funny how they met because basically he was
trying to pick her up on Twitter and she wasn’t responding so he had his
followers Twitterstalk her and eventually she came around to him and they
hooked up a few times. Ahh modern love.

Anyway off to the rant.

Wrestlemania XV: The Ragin’ Climax
From The First Union Center in Philadelphia, Pa.
Hosted by Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

The opening with Freddie Blassie was really good. So there’s one thing going
for it

Boyz II Men sing America The Beautiful.

Triple Threat for Hardcore Championship: Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Billy
Gunn

Snow is big time over because we’re in Philly and he wasn’t too far removed
from his ECW stint. Holly isn’t over because he’s a dickhead. Gunn, however, is
shockingly over as Philly fans hadn’t realized how much he sucked in the ring
yet. And you wonder how did Mr. Ass claim this title? Well it was the old
switcheroo as the New Age Outlaws decided to make a short run at some singles
championships with Gunn going after the Intercontinental title and the Road
Dogg going after the Hardcore title but somehow they ended up with the other
man’s gold.

Gunn goes for his spiel but Snow jumps him and we’re off. Holly sends Gunn
inside out with a sick clothesline and Snow jumps on him and pounds on both
men. Snow takes it to the floor and sends Holly into WWF Deportes. Gunn comes
out to the floor but he is sent into the stairs. Holly and Snow fight up the
ramp and Holly suplexes Snow on the soft black mat. Gunn jumps back in the fray
and tries to piledrive Holly but Snow saves him. Snow goes for the plunder and
finds a hockey stick to do some damage with as the crowd chants “let’s go
Flyers”. Gunn grabs the stick and breaks it over Holly’s back. Snow grabs a
broom while Gunn sends Holly into the ring. Snow goes low on Gunn with the
broomstick and starts pounding on both men. Snow uses part of the hockey stick
to clothesline Holly. Gunn grabs a chair but Snow beats him to the punch with
the hockey stick. He then grabs the chair and works on both men. He sets the
chair up and hits Gunn with a leap of faith. He tries the same on Holly but
misses and Gunn sends Holly over the top to catch a breather. He gets Holly
back in the ring but Snow takes both men down with Head. Snow goes back to the
floor and grabs a table. Snow tries to whip Holly in the table but Holly comes
back with a clothesline. Gunn WALLOPS Holly with a chair and beals Snow through
the table to a HUGE POP. Wow. Gunn with a chair-aided fameasser on Snow but
Holly interrupts the count at two, dumps Gunn and pins Snow himself.

(Holly def. Snow & Gunn, pinfall, **1/2, not a bad opener at all, I forget
what I gave this one the first time around.)

World Tag Team Championship: Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett vs. D-Lo Brown & Test

Hmm, how did this team happen? Oh well they had a battle royale during Sunday
Night Heat with the final two men remaining getting a title shot so there you
go. D-Lo is accompanied by Ivory while Test is accompanied by his beautiful
hair. His shirt says “Guns don’t kill people. I kill people”, hmm that wouldn’t
fly in 2013 WWE. Test and D-Lo argue from the onset. If Test were alive he
would probably be the leader of Aces & Eights.

D-Lo and Test jump the champs and Test hits Owen with the big boot, sending him
to the floor. D-Lo with a hip toss and a clothesline on Jarrett as both men tag
out. Test hits Owen with a nice powerbomb but Owen counters the pump handle
with an enziguri. Owen goes for the sharpshooter but D-Lo saves him. Test tags
out and D-Lo slams Owen and hits his signature legdrop. Owen rallies back with
a leg lariat and his sweet gut wrench suplex. Double clothesline from the
champs and they make a wish on D-Lo. Jarrett with a sit down splash and another
tag, they miss the double clothesline but D-Lo hits his. He dominates both guys
and hits the low down on Jarrett for two. Now the melee begins as the ladies get
involved. Terri Runnels comes out for some reason; she had an issue with Ivory.
In the ring D-Lo goes for a powerbomb but Owen hits him with a dropkick from
the top rope while the ref is distracted, Jarrett rolls up Brown and gets the victory.
D-Lo and Test argue and fight after the match.

(Don’t Piss Off Canada def. D-Lo & Test, pinfall, *1/2, Owen and Jarrett
were a good team but needed a better team to get the most out of them. Still I
believe this was Owen’s final PPV match and he won so that’s a good thing.”

Brawl For All: Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn

Gorilla Monsoon is one of the ringside judges and gets a massive pop from the
crowd that makes me feel good. It would be his last Wrestlemania and one of his
final appearances in the WWF before he died.

The fight lasts less than a minute as Butterbean completed obliterates Gunn
with a right hand. Why the fuck they would subject Bart Gunn to a shoot match
against a professional, seasoned boxer is beyond me. Believe it or not Bart
Gunn was the only redeeming thing from the stupid Brawl For All series and they
actually might have had something there. Part of me thinks he was punished for
making Steve Williams look bad but that’s the booker for being stupid enough to
book a guy they had big plans for in a shoot fight.

(Butterbean def. Gunn, knockout, DUD, it was a very impressive punch.)

(They show Mankind and The Big Show brawling during Sunday Night Heat. Big Show
was waiting for Steve Austin and as the two brawled, Austin just sorted of
strolled by.)

Mankind vs. “The Big Show” Paul Wight

Hey that’s how he was billed so don’t look at me. The winner of this match is
the referee in the main event. The Big Show represented the Corporation at this
point so it was important to the McMahons that he win. Big pop for Mankind.
Wight has his usual offense; it really hasn’t changed much in 15 years. Some
punches, some headbutts, a boot here and there. They go to the floor and
Mankind rams Show into the steps twice but he goes for a DDT and Show sends him
into the post. Back in the ring and Show with a couple of chops to the chest
and a knee smasher. Side Russian legsweep (!!) by Show but he misses with the
big right and tumbles to the floor. Foley grabs Socko and gets it on Show twice
but Show hammers his way out of it. A third mandible claw and Foley kicks Show
in the nuts to assist him as Show goes to his knees. Foley jumps on Show’s back
and Show gets to his feet and crushes Foley with the fallback slam. Foley would
say he was legitimately hurt on that move. Show sends Mankind to the floor and
grabs a chair, he hits him with a couple of nasty chair shots as the referee
admonishes him. Back in the ring, Show grabs another chair and chokeslams
Mankind on it, drawing a disqualification. He then continues to kick Mankind’s
ass as McMahon wonders what the hell Show is doing. McMahon slaps Show a couple
of times as Show ponders hitting him but backs off. Another slap, however,
triggers his anger and he drops McMahon with a right hand.

(Mankind def. “The Big Show” Paul Wight, disqualification, *1/2, a sloppy,
disjointed brawl.)

Four Corners Elimination Match for Intercontinental Title: Road Dogg vs. Ken
Shamrock vs. Val Venis vs. Goldust

Road Dogg is your champion here. Goldust has The Blue Meanie and Ryan Shamrock
in his corner. Apparently Ryan Shamrock had been messing around with Venis too…hell
I don’t know, I try to block as much of this Vince Russo shit out of my mind as
I can. I think Shamrock had recently left the Corporation. Ken Shamrock that
is, not Ryan.

All four men start out and Shamrock dumps Goldust. Road Dog and Shamrock give
Venis a double elbow and then Shamrock clotheslines Road Dog as Cole completely
botches the rules of the match when he says the champion is at a decisive
disadvantage. This is untrue because this is an elimination match and not a ‘first
pinfall wins match’. Lawler tries to save him but Cole continues to babble away
and makes something up about a coin toss that determined who would start the
match. Shamrock continues hammering away but Road Dog gets a dropkick and tags
in Goldust, who hits Shamrock with a spinebuster. Shamrock tags Venis, who
holds off Goldust to pound on Shamrock some himself. Goldust interrupts with a
sit down suplex and goes for the curtain call but Venis counters and gets a
spinebuster of his own. Venis sets too early on an irish whip and gets head
cracker and a clothesline for his troubles. Goldust sets Venis on the top and
botches a superplex but they don’t repeat the spot and Venis improvises and
hits a top rope bulldog for two. Fisherman’s suplex from Venis also gets two.
They knock heads and Venis accidentally headbutts Goldust in the groin. The miscommunication
gives Shamrock a chance to DDT Goldust and Road Dog a chance to DDT Venis.
Goldust recovers first and gets two.

Road Dog jumps in the fray again and comes in for Goldust  as Shamrock distracted the referee.  Venis, however, takes control with two corner
clotheslines. He goes for a northern lights suplex but Road Dog blocks and Road
Dog hits his punching combo on Venis, this Goldust and then hits the chicken
leg knee drop on Shamrock to a major pop. The New Age Outlaws were tremendously
over with this crowd. Too much celebrating, however, and Venis suplexes Road
Dog from the second rope but Dog hits the pump handle slam and tags Shamrock.
Shamrock catches a charging Venis with a drop toe and the ankle lock but Venis
gets to the ropes. Shamrock goes for a clotheslines but Venis ducks Shamrock
hits the floor where his “sister” bitches him out. Venis hits Shamrock with a
baseball slide and both men go to the floor. They fight up the railing and get
counted out. Shamrock runs to the ring and snaps, giving both Goldust and Road
Dog belly-to-belly suplexes to no crowd reaction at all. Goldust recovers first
and gets a two count. Road Dog reverses an irish whip and Ryan Shamrock
accidentally grabs Goldust’s leg, temporarily distracting him, he recovers to
catch a charging Road Dog with a powerslam but Road Dog rolls through for the
cover.

(Road Dog def. Goldust, Venis, Shamrock, pinfall, ***1/4, Criticize me if you
want but I kind of dug that match. Non-stop action, no rest and all four guys
came to work. Venis was particularly good at carrying the action.)

(We recap the HHH-Kane issue that led to our next match.)

Triple H vs. Kane

As Kane comes to the ring he is “jumped” by the San Diego Chicken, who turns
out to be Pete Rose in costume. Kane gives him the tombstone, the second year
he suffered such fate. Kane looks to the entrance way for HHH but instead HHH
comes from the crowd and gives Kane a low blow. Kane recovers with a big boot
but HHH sends Kane over the top where he lands on his feet of course. Kane
misses a clothesline and hits the post. HHH sends him into the post a second
time and then the steel steps. Kane tries to get back in the ring but HHH hits
him with a high knee and then sends him into WWF Americana. Back in the ring
and Kane recovers and tosses HHH over the top, he doesn’t land on his feet.
They continue to fight on the floor and Kane posts him on the ringside
barricade and clotheslines him into the Mean Street Posse (nice seats guys).
Kane works on the back, sending HHH into the post three times. Back in the ring
as the pace of this match went from slow to nearly stationary. Kane whips HHH
in the corner as the crowd tries to get the guys to pick up the pace. Kane
continues his assault however, some punching and some choking involved. Kane
with the leg drop and that gets two. More sleep-inducing “punishment” from Kane,
who was about four years away from improving his pacing. He climbs to the top
and HHH catches him with a slam. Kane recovers but misses a blind charge. HHH
with a face buster and the Harley Race knee as Chyna comes down. Kane uses the
distraction to go for the tombstone but HHH counters to the pedigree but Kane
counters that and drops an elbow as both men pass out (probably from boredom).
Chyna pushes the steel steps in the ring, Kane tries to use them but gets
caught with the drop-toe hold and falls face first on the steps. They are back
out of the ring and HHH goes for a pedigree on the steps but Kane back drops
him to the floor in a surprising great bump. Back in the ring and Kane gets the
chokeslam as Chyna wants to come in the ring and finish the job. Kane turns his
back on her like an idiot and Chyna hits him with the chair. It doesn’t hurt
but she distracts him enough for HHH to hit Kane with the chair twice and give
him the Pedigree. Chyna and HHH make up to a massive pop. He got disqualified
by the way.

(Kane def. HHH, disqualification, **, boring as hell but it picked up a little
at the end there.)

(Kevin Kelly talks about the main event referee situation. Paul Wight is
arrested and Mankind has been hospitalized but Mr. McMahon comes out to
disclose that he actually has a referee shirt in his bag and says “no more
controversy.”)

(Rapper Big Pun is shown in the crowd. He’s dead now. So that’s three on the
death count so far.)

WWF Women’s Title: Sable vs. Tori

Sable’s got a new attitude as she was working on sort of a heel run. Tori
borrowed the her outfit from Cheetara of the Thundercats. Sable quickly dumps
her with some boots so loose even Jackie Gayda-Haas would blush. They fight
outside the ring as Tori, god bless her, has to sell these awful shots. Sable
does hit a high-spot, a cross body from the ring apron to the floor. She
decides to grind and Tori hits her with an awful clothesline that hits Sable’s
implants. A couple of corner clotheslines but Sable reverses it and misses the
charge, Tori with a rollup for two. These two bitches actually try the roll
up/bridge spot and it misses. Tori accidentally takes out the ref, Sable
botches a Power bomb and Tori tries her own when Nicole Bass comes from nowhere
and beats Tori up while the referee (who did the best ring work in this match)
is still out. Second Sablebomb hits and gets the pin.

(Sable def. Tori, pinfall, DUD, 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.)

(Degeneration X does an interview, they are a happy family now don’cha know)

WWF European Championship: Shane McMahon vs. X-Pac

Shane-O-Mac is accompanied by Test, guaranteeing Test two paychecks from this
event. Wow his hair is beautiful; I wish he were alive so I could figure out
what product he uses it in. Maybe it’s a Moroccan Oil Treatment or something.

X-Pac is jumped by Patterson and Brisco as he comes to the ring but he quickly
dismisses  both of them and races to the
ring. Shane stalls for a bit by X-Pac hits a spinning heel kick and pounds away
in the corner. Shane escapes before the Bronco Buster but X-Pac catches him up
the ramp and gets him back in the ring. Test, however, evens thing and posts
X-Pac in the post, ouch, that’ll tear your asshole apart. X-Pac gets in the
ring at nine and Shane hits a double axe. He roughs X-Pac up in the corner and
adds a slap. Body slam and Shane goes for the corporate elbow but it misses.
However, the ref is distracted by Test and Shane gets a low blow on X-Pac. Test
gives Shane his weight belt and he straps X-Pac with it a few times but charges
and gets sent over the top. Plancha to the floor by X-Pac and he beats up the
Mean Street Posse for kicks. Test, however, drops X-Pac with a clothesline.
Back in the ring McMahon drops an elbow than goes to the middle rope and hits a
front elbow, ala Bret Hart. Shane goes to the top but X-Pac with a counter and
a superplex for two when Test pulls X-Pac out of the ring. X-Pac sends Test to
the stairs, however, and X-Pac grabs the leather strap and GOES TO TOWN on the
fortunate son. Kick combination and a bronco buster by X-Pac but while the
referee checks on Shane, Test wallops X-Pac with the European belt and it gets
two. Shane decides to go for his own bronco buster but misses. Test tries to
interfere again and X-Pac hits him with the bronco buster as HHH and Chyna
comes down to ring side. X-Factor for McMahon but Chyna distracts the ref which
gives time for HHH to pull the SWERVE and give X-Pac the Pedigree to help
McMahon get the pin. Great turn as the crowd did a collective gasp. Test and
HHH beat down X-Pac and then beat down the New Age Outlaws until Kane makes the
save. So we get two heel turns and a face turn in one match while Chyna goes
from heel to face to heel in 20 minutes. Not quite Bret Hart-Steve Austin
double turn but not bad.

(Shane McMahon def. X-Pac, pinfall, ***, not bad as Test and Shane were
tremendous in their blatant cheating.)

(They recap the Undertaker-Corporation feud, which is was a weird heel on heel
feud as Undertaker was harassing Vince through Stephanie, making Vince both an
evil corporate heel but a sweet dad that is concerned about his daughter. The whole
thing was a total mess and led to a bunch of people being crucified and the
creation of “The Union” and then the “Corporate Ministry”. Vince Russo had
enough ADD to fill a day care center at this point.)

Hell in the Cell: Big Bossman vs. The Undertaker

The Undertaker’s music KICKED ASS during this phase. Everything else about the
character sucked but Jim Johnson was not playing when it came to the tunes. I
might have this on an iPod somewhere (take a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_tqIAdQzKo)

Undertaker charges as the bell rings but Bossman is too quick and lays in the
first shots. Undertaker reverses and he lays in the body shots before going to
the head. He sends Bossman into the corner but gets hit with an elbow, Undertaker
comes back with the clothesline and gets a two count. Undertaker telegraphs a
back body drop but gets caught with a neckbreaker for two. Crowd, unsure of who
to cheer for, is dead. They fight to the floor as Undertaker sends the Bossman
into the cage twice but Bossman changes the tide and sends Undertaker into the
cage. Bossman grabs his handcuffs and ties the Undertaker to the cage. He grabs
his nightstick and gives Undertaker three shots but as the Undertaker fell he
broke those cheapo handcuffs. Undertaker with a weak blade job, really weak, as
Bossman continues the assault with the baton. Undertaker, however, sends
Bossman into the cage a few times. Undertaker grabs a chair and hits Bossman on
the back a couple of times. I think Bossman has a weak blade job too as the
crowd is just shitting on this match. Undertaker with the float over
clothesline for two. Undertaker goes for old school but Bossman kicks his leg
out and sends him into the cage. They go for an epic slugfest while I can
literally hear conversations in the crowd as they have no clue who to cheer
for. Undertaker goes low and goes for the tombstone, Bossman escapes but misses
a clothesline and the second attempt at the tombstone gets it.

(Undertaker def. Bossman, pinfall, *, horrifically uninspired and boring. I
think this was 6 or 7 in the streak.)

Now the fun begins as The Brood (Edge, Gangrel and Christian) propel from
cables connected to the top of the arena (so they DID do this the month before
Owen’s death. Wow). They were also part of the Ministry of Darkness, which
included like 25 people. They bust through the cage and give the Undertaker a
noose. Then they connect back on their cables and fly back to the top of the
arena while the Undertaker works the noose around the Bossman neck. Paul Bearer
lifts the cage and the Bossman gets HANGED?!?!?!! Are you fucking kidding me?
It’s clear from the clip on the back of the Bossman’s ring gear that he’s
supported but still. What. The. Fuck. Like what were they thinking? Who green
lit this bullshit. And Michael Cole says this is a perfect time to recap last
night’s Wrestlemania Slam Jam. Ummm no, I just saw a guy get hung, I don’t give
a shit about the Slam Jam or Rage party or whatever it was.

Anyway, Main Event time and thankfully Jim Ross replaces Cole for the match
commentary.

WWF World Championship: The Rock vs. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin

Vince McMahon comes out in his referee gear but the Commissioner Shawn Michaels
makes an appearance and explains to Vince that there is only one man that can
assign an official for the main event at Wrestlemania. Quick hint, it’s not
Vince. Shawn in a nice way tells Vince to get to stepping and bars the
Corporation from ringside.

Slugfest to start things and Rock dumps Austin over the top rope. He sends
Austin into WWF Deportes and chokes him out with his t-shirt. Back in the ring
and Rock lays in the boots but Austin sends Rock over the top rope and then
over the ring barricade. They fight into the crowd and then back to ring side
where Austin unceremoniously dumps Rock over the top and then over another
barricade and into another crowd. Rock recovers and clotheslines Austin over
the barricade back to the ringside area. He chokes Austin with a TV wire and
the fight up the ramp. Austin whips Rock into the steel railing and nails him
with a clothesline. He goes for a piledriver but Rock back drops Austin onto
one of the lights onto one of the ring entrance lamp lights. Nasty bump but
relatively safe. They continue to fight as Austin sends Rock into one of the TV
cranes and hits him with a clothesline. Now he chokes Rock with the TV wire.
This is a no-disqualification match if you were wondering. Austin sends Rock
into the Wrestlemania logo and they continue to brawl up the ramp. They return
back but Rock suplexes Rock on the ramp way. They fight back to the announce
tables and Rock spits some water in Austin’s face. Austin with a hangman on
Rock and he sets up on the table and hits an elbow but the table didn’t break.
They try it on WWF Deportes again and the table breaks this time. Austin grabs
some water and spits it in Rock’s face. Rock recovers and wraps Austin’s leg
around the post but Austin stops it from happening a second time and sends Rock
into the steel steps.

Back in the ring and Rock pulls a Rockbottom out of his ass for a two count. Rock
decides to grab a chair but Austin beats him to the punch and grabs the chair
but Rock ducks and poor Mike Chioda takes a WICKED chair shot from Austin. Rock
with a neckbreaker and he grabs the chair but Austin tries to counter with the
stunner but Rock hits an elbow. He finally gets some chair shots on Austin’s
leg, chest and finally and a knockout shot to the face but the second referee
can only get to two. Rock with a chinlock as everyone needs a bit of a break.
Austin fights out of the hold but gets dropped with a clothesline and Rock
teases a people’s elbow but goes back to the chinlock. Austin fights out again
but Rock hits a Samoan Drop for two. Rock gets pissed with Tim White’s slow
counts so he gives him the Rockbottom. Austin hits a stunner and Rock does the
somersault sell. Earl Hebner runs in but only gets a two count. Crowd not happy
with that one. And now Vince McMahon comes back down to ringside. Austin grabs
a chair and goes for the kill but Rock goes low. Vince comes in the ring and
drops Hebner so he and Rock can double team Austin. Mankind now stumbles to the
ring and he drops McMahon to the dismay of Rock. Austin with a roll up for two.
Lou Thesz press and the fuck you elbow drop but Austin sets too early and gets
dropped with another clotheslines. Rockbottom hits flush but Rock decides it’s
time for the Corporate Elbow but it misses. A second rockbottom is counted into
the Stone Cold Stunner for the three count and a new champion. Awesome brawl.

(Austin def Rock, pinfall, ****1/4, overbooked near the end but this was just a
ridiculous balls-to-the-wall brawl that would define many Rock-Austin
encounters.)

After about five minutes of chugging beer Austin beats up McMahon for fun.

The Bottom Line: Tremendous Main Event aside this card just didn’t have the chutzpah
to take advantage of the hot Philly crowd. Give me a better Mankind-Big Show
brawl and a better HHH-Kane match and something better than that god awful Hell
in the Cell and maybe we’ve got something. But for the most part it was a
boring card with disjointed booking that Rock and Austin worked their asses off
to salvage and they almost did it but not quite.