GRIDLOCKTober Countdown: WCW Halloween Havoc 96

The Netcop Retro Rant for Halloween Havoc 1996. – Apologies for being a day late with this one, but I had to get my nerve up to sit through it. By the way, kudos to everyone who pointed out the truly frightening proportion of my prognosticative powers, with regards to the Fabulous Moolah. It still gives me nightmares, too.  (I believe that was in reference to my comment that Moolah could end up winning the Women’s title any day now, and then that very thing happened.)  – Live from Lost Wages, Nevada. – Your hosts are Tony, Bobby and Dusty. – Opening match, Cruiserweight title: Rey Mysterio Jr. v. Dean Malenko. This one had a real unusual backstory to it: See, Mysterio won the title from Malenko, and Malenko was upset at losing his title and decided he wanted a rematch. You don’t see that kind of edgy storyline these days. Malenko is a full heel at this point, for those who have trouble keeping track, much like myself. Tenay notes that Rey is nothing without his mask. Two years later and suddenly it’s “Rey has improved peripheral vision without the mask” because American fans are too stupid to know about the Mexican mask heritage. Doncha love Eric Bischoff? (12 years later and it’s “Rey can live in a gold-plated mansion because of all the masks he sells in WWE.”) Mysterio was not yet over at this point, as fan reactions indicated. Much like the Hardy Boys, the fans pop for highspots and not much else. Mysterio steals back his stolen mask from Malenko at one point, and does a neat little mask switcheroo in mid-ring while Malenko is on the outside. Dean comes back and works the knee extensively. Superplex gets two, and it’s more knee workage. Rey gets a quick small package for two, and then Dean goes to an extended sleeper sequence to quiet the crowd. A hammerlocked northern lights suplex (ouch!) gets two. They fight on the top rope and both bump to the floor. Rey makes the big comeback and they go into a complex pinning sequence, finished by Dean as he simply clotheslines Rey. Remember that for later. Dean bails, and Rey follows with a corkscrew quebrada. Rey with the rana for two, and a second attempt is turned into a powerbomb by Dean for two. Rey puts Dean in position for the top rope rana, but Dean blocks that as well with a powerbomb, which this time is enough to put him away at 18:26 and regain the title. He gets a BIG pop too. One thing about 1996 WCW: You sure got a lot of 20 minute cruiserweight matches. ***1/2  (What a wacky idea.)  – Lord of the Ring match: Eddy Guerrero v. Diamond Dallas Page. This is the final blowoff for the meaningless “Lord of the Ring” title won by DDP at Slamboree 96. The REAL purpose of the feud was to put DDP in a series of good matches with the Guerrero family to trick the fans into thinking he had improved as a wrestler. And obviously it worked, because by the time the general populace figured out he was still essentially useless, he had 2 World titles under his belt.  (Oh come on, he wasn’t USELESS.) It should be noted that Nick Patrick is into his first Evil Referee stint, wearing a neck brace and selling a crippling neck injury all night. Eddy babysits DDP through a wrestling sequence to start, and a long headlock follows. DDP bails and they brawl on the floor. Back in the ring, and DDP crotches him on the top to take control. He gets a rope-assisted two count. Good. I approve of heels who put their feet on the ropes. DDP still stalls too much in between moves at this point, however. A tilt-a-whirl slam gets two, prompting a shoving match with Patrick, which in turn allows Eddy to roll him up for two. Eddy comes back and again carries DDP through a pinning reversal sequence, which is ended by DDP lifting Malenko’s move and clotheslining Eddy, just like in the last match. See how smart he is, making sure to associate himself with the good workers and use their tactics. And sure enough, the clothesline gets a good pop, too, just like it did for Dean. They exchange more two-counts, until gets a pancake and a rotation powerbomb. Eddy is stunned, and DDP finishes him with a sloppy Diamond Cutter (looking closer to the original form it held — a direct ripoff of the Ace Crusher, before evolving into the more “snapped off” version he uses today) at 13:38. Anticlimactic ending to an okay match. **1/2  (I must have had it in for DDP at that point.)  – The Giant v. Jeff Jarrett. The issue was that the Giant stole the US title belt from Ric Flair and beat him up, so Flair brought Jarrett into WCW to help him out. And to say that the fans didn’t take to Jarrett would be a gross understatement. Had Jarrett just accepted the nWo’s original offer, he might have been over and everything. As it is, supposed babyface Jarrett gets booed out of the building here. Bringing Flair out with him helps some. A little. Okay, not at all. Jarrett uses completely unsound strategy, trying wrestling moves on him and getting tossed like a lawn dart as a result. Repeat SEVERAL TIMES. Note to Paul Wight: Backbreakers are not your strong point. Giant misses a blind charge and Jarrett plays David & Goliath with him, trying to knock him down. They end up fighting outside and Flair low-blows the Giant in view of the ref for the DQ at 9:55. Well, Flair certainly tried there, I’ll give him that. 1/2* – Syxx v. Chris Jericho. This could have been great, but Syxx absolutely did not care at this point, and the match was merely a backdrop to set up Jericho v. Nick Patrick at the next PPV. It should be noted that X-Pac is my least favorite wrestler name to type, because the keyboard positioning is so awkward. Just for those who care. (Other difficult ones:  Christian and Psychosis)  Syxx was still very much Lightning Kid-ish at this point, sticking out his tongue and tossing off highspots, before a neck injury later in 1997 would essentially ground him and turn him into the more complete wrestler he is today. (By “complete” I obviously meant “addicted to painkillers”)  Tumbling sequence to start here. It is pointed out that the Dungeon of Doom is sitting in the front row. Geez, WCW comps the freakin’ DoD front row seats and they wonder why the nWo ended up kicking their butt? Jericho gets knocked to the floor and they brawl there. Back in and Syxx hits the kick combo and goes to the chinlock. A blind charge misses and Jericho takes over. He gets a few two-counts and Patrick gets increasingly biased, pissing off the crowd. Syxx hits a simple leg lariat, and Patrick supposedly quick-counts on Jericho, although it looked fine to me. Storyline overwhelmed the match here. *1/2 By the way, someone e-mailed me after Unforgiven to make the case that this match was better than the X-Pac v. Jericho one there. I personally think they had it confused with the Syxx-Jericho series from 1997, but to each their own, I guess. – Arn Anderson v. Lex Luger. Since I can’t be bothered to remember what the storyline was here, Tony kindly explains it: Arn was pissed at Luger for being a wuss and submitting at Wargames to give the nWo the win. Okey doke. Arn does some quick damage, but turns his back to gloat and Luger comes back. And yells a lot, can’t forget that. The Dungeon are cheering Lex. Lex works AA’s back, and nothing of note happens for a good long time. Arn gets a fluke spinebuster and starts working on Luger’s back. And thanks to Dusty, I can now use the phrase “Bulla Bulla” in proper context, and DON’T THINK I WON’T! Years later, Luger blocks a DDT and makes the superman comeback, which I guess is apropos for a guy with initials “LL”. Ref gets bumped and they fight on the floor. Luger gives him a few lovetaps with a chair, then racks Arn for the submission at 12:20. Whoa, check the irony on that one! It’s so poetic, it’s like Keats and Kerouac rolled into one. *  (Arn was definitely on the tail end of his career at this point, only a few months away from retirement.)  – The Feces of Fear v. Chris Benoit & Steve McMichael. Hey, who’s the bimbo with Mongo? Debbie or Brenda or something like that. Meng and Mongo start, and I half-hope for a Ming the Merciless run-in to complete that whole vowel sequence thing. Benoit hangs tough with the Barbarian for a bit, but the demons booking this thing insist on giving the fans that Meng v. Mongo sumo showdown they were clamouring for. Mongo gets beat on for a bit, coming back with a pair of dropkicks so sad and yet inspired at the same time that I feel the need to create a new rating scale: The Erik Watts Scale. Just as awesome bladejobs are rated on the Muta Scale, I now christen this new system, whereby truly pathetic dropkicks will be rated against the mother of all bad dropkicks: Erik Watts’ belly-flop at Starrcade 92. In this case, we’ll call it 0.5 Watts. Feel free to play at home. Benoit tags in and promptly gets powerbombed. Whoops. Barbarian hits an admittedly impressive overhead belly-to-belly off the top, although it was basically Benoit doing a 15 foot dive across the ring from the top rope, but maybe that’s just the cynic in me talking. A double-team diving headbutt gets two. They hit a suplex and splash combo on Benoit, but Mongo utilizes his finisher — the briefcase to the head — on Meng for the Benoit pin at 9:20. Not as brutally bad as it could have been, I suppose. * – Mayday! Mayday! This show is going down faster than Missy Hyatt at a sex addict convention . . . – WCW World tag team title: Harlem Heat v. The Outsiders. Wait, wait, I feel a shill coming on… Coming soon to WrestleLine: The Netcop Revelation Rant, covering the epic rise and fall of the nWo from 1996-1999 and explaining just why Kevin Nash is such a tool. Be the first on your block to get a copy!  (That one never happened, by the way.  I was getting so sick of Wrestleline’s nonsense that I just never bothered to write it.  Original title was going to be “There Goes The Neighborhood” before others talked me into tying it into the classic literature theme of the previous two history pieces.  Basically the bulk of what I had written got turned into the nWo entry in my first book, in case you’re wondering if there’s secret unreleased stuff in my vault.)  Okay, got that out of the way. This, by the way, is the match that officially marks the end of tag team wrestling in North America as we liked it. Fans chant “Razor” and “Diesel” at various points in the match, depending on who’s in. Hall starts while Nash picks his nose on the apron and thinks up booking ideas. He tags in and does his usual stuff, but gets beatdown by Stevie Ray. Whoa, is that SELLING from Big Lazy? A Booker T axe kick gets two. I question booking the Outsiders as heels here, given the massive babyface reaction they’re getting. Booker T plays sucka-in-peril. Hall runs through his Razor Ramon stuff, until Sherri jumps on the apron to run interference. Hall kisses her in response, and I leave it as an exercise to the reader to make the proper cheap joke. I can’t do EVERYTHING, people. Stevie Ray gets the hot tag and they hit the Harlem Hangover, but the ref is distracted putting Stevie Ray out. In the meantime, Kevin Nash bullies Rob Parker into giving him the cane, and bashes it over Stevie’s head to give the Outsiders their first tag titles at 13:06. They pose with the belts in a famous image. Match was nothing. 1/2*  (Yeah, but the Outsiders were the biggest stars in the promotion, so having the belts elevated the title above the midcard nothing it was before that, at least.)  – WCW World title: Hulk Hogan v. Randy Savage. Hey, haven’t we seen this before? Oh yeah, on every other show of 1986 through 1998, inclusive. That’s right. The announcers mock Hogan’s obvious wig, left over from the Three Ninjas movie he did. (My wife looks after three elementary school aged boys, so recently I actually had a chance to watch said Three Ninjas movie on Netflix, and even the 8 year old wasn’t buying Hogan’s performance in it.  Holy GOD what a steaming pile of crap that movie was.)  Savage had a long winning streak to earn him this shot, whereby he LOST EVERY MATCH. But hey, WCW promised Hogan v. Savage months before the match, so Hogan v. Savage you get, even if Savage looked like a lame duck challenger.  (Yeah, but this show did a monster buyrate by WCW standards, and the Slim Jim sponsorship got them a bunch of money, so you can’t argue the effectiveness of the strategy.)  We get the mother of all stall sessions to start, as no real contact is made until FIVE MINUTES into the match. Hogan gets a simple punch at that point, and Savage starts selling as though the glove was loaded with buckshot like Iron Shiek’s boot. Hogan poses a lot. Savage comes back with a double- axehandle. More stupidity as Savage steals the sunglasses and wig that Hogan has been wearing the whole match and prances around with them. Is this WCW or the Geriatric Match from WrestleMania 12? They allegedly brawl on the floor, and deep down I almost hope for Savage to blade off the shot to the padded post he takes, just to complete the self- parody in a work of true artistic Sid-ism. (CALLBACK!  CALLBACK!  I gave up on that one too quickly.)  Liz wanders out, because obviously the bookers felt that the match was underbooked, what with only two nWo members at ringside to provide possible screwjob endings. By the way, for those who complain that *I* sold out (even though WrestleLine, a division of CBS Sportsline, which is in turn a division of the largest and most popular network on TV right now, hasn’t actually paid me anything yet for carrying this site) (While technically true, Mike Samuda sent me a pretty obscene chunk of money early in 2000 for no real reason, perhaps as a make-good for Wrestleline’s cheapness.  So I did get paid as of that writing, sort of, but only once.  Although considering all of Mike’s legal problems since then, I’m wondering if I unknowingly was aiding and abetting in some form…)  it should be noted that Randy Savage has Slim Jim ads right on his tights. Now, I’m not saying I personally wouldn’t sell vital organs to major corporations for the right amount of money, but really for an event sponsored by Slim Jim with the ringposts already replaced with Slim Jim ads, this just seems like overkill, and if there’s one thing that offends me more than corporate pandering, it’s bad taste. Anyway, Hogan hides behind Liz to stop Savage’s awesome offensive onslaught, and it works because Hogan gets the big boot soon after. Liz comes in and covers Savage up to prevent the legdrop. Hogan shoves her aside, but the legdrop misses. Then, in the REALLY embarrassing part, Dibiase hands Hogan an international object that looks suspiciously like a dildo. Liz steals it, which lends more credence to that theory. The ref then gets bumped, and Nick Patrick: Evil Referee takes his place. Nick’s so into his evil role I’m surprised he didn’t grow a handlebar moustache, just so he could twirl it like Oil-Can Harry. Savage hits the big elbow, and Patrick’s neck injury acts up, preventing the three count. So Savage wrests the SEX TOY OF DOOM from Hogan and hits him with it, but now Ted Dibiase and the Giant double-team Savage, toss him back in, and the pin is a formality at 18:35. Hell, with that kind of overblown booking protection, even I could look like a credible main eventer. Sadly, even with it, Hogan and Savage don’t. DUD – And now to top off the evening, Hogan talks. Roddy Piper interrupts to a big pop, and they do a long duelling microphone segment that would be cool if either guy still had all their original body parts and could back it up in the ring. I don’t see why Hogan and the Giant didn’t kick Piper’s ass right there, but I guess that’s why I’m not booking. The segment just goes on and on, until finally the PPV runs out of time and cuts them off. Thank heavens for allotted TV time. The Bottom Line: Hogan v. Savage is good for a laugh if your taste in humor runs towards crap, everything past the first two matches sucks, and the first two matches were done before and done better. The nWo is here, good wrestlers need not apply. I think I can speak for everyone when I say “Bulla Bulla”. You can’t get more eloquent and succinct an explanation than that. Bulla Bulla indeed.