This Week With Caliber
By Scott Keith on June 18, 2012
Hey guys. As you know, or have forgot entirely, the entire month of June is dedicated to WCW on WWE Classics On Demand. So, I thought for my columns, I’d do the same, reviewing material that Classics gives me. This week, I’m going through the shorties. I’ll be reviewing 3 matches from there that I’ve never seen, one of which is the Doomsday Cage match, and I’ll also be going over two classic WCW moments. One of them being The Finger Poke of Doom. An event that, on second watch, had a bucket of money ready for whoever pulled it off right.
I always like the idea of Ed’s wife talking about him at the office, or a party or something:
“What’s your husband do for a living?”
“he’s a wrestler”
“Oh, who’s he wrestle as?”
“Well, right now it’s a cross between a leaf-blower and a chupacabra. At one time he was The Zodiac. But, before you get judgmental, he was a double agent for Hulkamania.”
Then that always gets me to thinking about Mrs. Doubtfire 2, starring Scott Steiner.
“You can’t do your homework! Cuz…your just ass stupid! And I got da largest arms in da world! and your a dumb kid, with a stupid face and got a small dick and can’t do your mom right which why i got to cuz im…and your dumb and I’m da Big Bad Booty Assfire!”
I got a bit off-track.
The ending is fantastic, as Luger puts on the loaded glove, which just looks like a driving glove, and goes to hit Savage, who’s being held by Flair. Of course, this is going to be the classic “face ducks at the last second” sorta thing. However, Luger’s timing is terrible, so he stalls for a second after Macho ducks and hits
Flair. The Mega Powers then win by exiting the door. Which they’d already done about 30 times or so. But then they realize that Flair hasn’t been pinned yet, so Macho runs back in to make the quick pin. Really? Task Master? Z-Gangsta? Ultimate Solution? None of these guys could suffer the loss? If Ultimate Solution
were to lose, would Bulletproof not done as well at the box-office, because I saw Bledsoe get pinned? Great film, by the way.
Rating: -*****
Easily the worst main event ever. Now, Hogan v Warrior often gets -*****, but it’s entertaining in how bad it is. This, this is just slow, boring, and without an ounce of entertainment.
Before we even get to the match, we get a great example of WCW’s ineptitude. Before Booker’s music starts, it’s a clip of him saying “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”. Really? This was suppose to get over better than “can you dig it, sucka?”.
Good thing they have such an obnoxious, and stupid stipulation. Because they had a pretty good match at Bash at the Beach, unencumbered by any stupid gimmicks, and God forbid they get to try again. On the 2nd bump in the ring, a box falls, which ends up containing a blow-up doll. What if it had been the box with the belt? Then what? Would it have just sat there? Or would a ref have to sit on the turnbuckle holding it? Booker opens the 2nd box, and it’s a framed picture of Scott Hall, who hadn’t been seen since February. They must have loved that the photo of Hall got the biggest pop they’d had in about a year. A pile-driver on the announce table prompts Tony to say “holy Christmas”, showing that Axel from Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter is in fact a hero of his. The 3rd box, contained a gardening glove like my mom had. Of course, since it’s WCW, it’s a coal miner’s glove, and it’s loaded. How is it suppose to be loaded? Now I have
to deal with them fighting over the glove, in order for them to have the power. I mean, this is insulting beyond reason. I’m willing to bet that if anyone were to be hit by a car, it wouldn’t have just been a car, but a LOADED car. Now, since the person can only win by grabbing the belt, they do the 3-arm-drop sleeper spot. Which even Madden calls into question. They’re both down, and the ref does the 10 count.
Huh, Madden says if Jarrett gets the belt, it’ll be his 5th WCW Title win. As you know, I’m recapping WCW from the year 2000. Well, I’m at the 3rd PPV of the year, at the end of March, and Jarrett still hasn’t won it. So that means he wins it 4 fucking times in 6 months. Jarrett tries to get his guitar from under the ring, but it’s stuck on something. He literally tries for about a minute, but he can’t. How on Earth can this match go on without a busted guitar? Well, they some how manage, as Beetlejuice comes out and punches Jarrett in the dick about 6 times. Booker grabs the final box, busts it open, it falls, and the announcer hands it
to Booker. Am I the only one shocked that Russo didn’t swerve us by making the announcer the champion?
(Booker T drops the belt and has the announcer hand it to him at 13:06)
Rating: * 1/2
It’s a bummer, because during the spots where they’re just, you know, wrestling, it’s good. But unfortunately that’s few and afar.
SuperBrawl VII – February 23rd, 1997 – World Heavyweight Tag-Team Championship Match
The Outsiders [C] vs The Giant
The Outsiders do the rock-paper-scissors thing to see who goes in first, and as a kid I thought that was the coolest thing in the World. Giant handles Scott, who tags in to Nash. A drop kick sends Big Sexy to the outside, as Giant follows suit. He picks up Nash and smashes him into the ring post, which is smart, to weaken up Nash’s back. Back in, Syxx hits Giant with the belt, Hall with a bulldog, and Nash hits the big boot. Is it just me, or are WCW refs, besides Charles Robinson, the dorkiest looking people on Earth? With respect to the deceased Brian & Pee Wee Anderson. They continue the triple teaming, getting the Giant against the wall, and actually creating some pretty good drama. Nash actually powerbombs The Giant in grand fashion, but it wrecked Nash’s back. At this point, Luger comes out, cast and all, begging for the hot tag. He gets in, lays people out with his cast, then racks Nash, who taps. The bell rings, they get the
belts, but then The Giant chokeslams Hall and pins him for the 1-2-3. Why, I don’t know. Probably so they can soliditfy the win. Yup, Tony even says that’s why they did it, so there’s no way they take the belts from them. Of course, that’s exactly what they did the next night, since Luger wasn’t cleared. I mean, they’ve had the tag-belts for almost a year at this point, and this is, what, the 3rd time they got the belts back in that fashion?
Rating: ***1/4
Honestly, I really enjoyed the match. The wrestling was a lot more than I expected, the drama worked with Giant having the odds stacked against him. Luger made the save, and it all clicked.
The Moments –
The Man of1,0001,004 Holds
Chris Jericho in WCW, the heel run, is my favorite character of all time. His angle with Malenko as well as Goldberg were about as entertaining as they get. Plus, they both showed the greatness of Jericho, as he got both angles over without the direct involement of the other person.
In this masterpiece, Jericho had just finished dispatching Marty Janetty, a big thrill for him I’m pretty sure, and he pulls out a stack of printer paper. Right away it’s hilarious, because it’s MS-DOS printer paper, which was all but extinct in 1998. Unless you’re Hollywood Video, then you use that stuff up until you file for Chapter 11 in 2010. As it goes, Jericho says Malenko only knows 60 holds. But Jericho, he knows 1004, baby.
Hold One! ARM DRAG
Hold Two! ARM BAR
Hold Three! THE MOSS COVERED THREE HANDLED FAMILY GRUDUNZLE
Number Four! ARM BAR
Number Five! THE SASKATCHEWAN SPINNING NERVE HOLD
Number Eight! ARM BAR
We go to commercial break, which during Jericho insults the crowd and such to get them riled. Once we return…
Hold Number 712 – ARM BAR
Hold Number 713 – THE MELUNZULAH
Hold Number 714 – THE CANADIAN
Prince Iaukea comes out, and since I’ve been watching WCW 2000, I can truly say that PI is 1000 times more interesting like this, than when he wrestles in a leisure suit. Jericho is still naming holds as Prince tells him that he was also trained by Boris Malenko, and he won’t stand by while this happens! Jericho backs down, with a massive snowball of paper, and screams at the ref;
“Give me my holds! My holds!”
It’s just so perfectly done. Like he absolutely has to have that list. How dare they keep his holds from him.
Jericho said in Lion’s Tale that his comedic masterpiece was the conspiracy stuff in DC, but nothing beats the 1004 holds.
The Finger Poke of Doom –
The night started with Miss Elizabeth saying that Goldberg had been stalking her, and thus they had him arrested. Which, if you know about stalking cases in real life, that never happens. The girl or guy is
stalked relentlessly, and in a very scary manner. They go to the police a bunch of times, the police don’t do shit. The person files a restraining order, the stalker sees that as a way of said person
saying that they love them. They ignore the order, and usually end up killing the person. But, in this case, Goldberg is arrested.
Hogan’s in the building, as some say he’s here to announce his retirement, and his run for office. However, since Goldberg isn’t around, he’ll beat up “that spoon” Kevin Nash. The World is agog
at the news of Hogan vs Nash for the World Title. Now, to keep viewers, they let us all know that Mankind is going to the win the WWE title, in one of WCW’s classic moments.
Nash & Hogan make their way to the ring. The announcers say that no matter what, they’re staying with it, all night. This isn’t a pretaped match. Scott Steiner is in Hogan’s corner, and Hall is in Nash’s. The crowd is huge, and they seem really amped for the bout. Meanwhile, Goldberg has just been released from jail, as Miss Elizabeth has admitted Goldberg never raped her. Or, stalked her, if you will.
They play the stall game, as the crowd just gets hotter. Nash shoves Hogan into the corner, as Hogan plots his rebuttal. He rears back and pokes Nash in the chest, as he takes a huge bump and lays down for the 1-2-3. Steiner, Hall, Nash and Hogan all celebrate in the ring, as Goldberg finally arrives and rushes towards the ring. Once he comes out, the crowd erupts.
Steiner runs, gets a boot to the face, Hall gets flipped, Nash gets kicked, then Hogan takes two sissy ass belt shots to Goldberg’s back, which he sort of sells. It’s a spear for Hogan, as Lex comes to Goldberg’s defense. He goes to Jackhammer Hogan when BOOM! Lex turns on him. The nWo Elite beat the hell out of Goldberg at this point, and honestly, as you watch it, you start seeing all the ways for them to make money off of this. Hell, I hate Goldberg, and seeing this makes me wish they’d have had him just tear through these guys until he got to Nash. Having Hogan be the top dog had been done, it should have been building up to the Nash/Goldberg rematch, since Nash screwed him over. The crowd is super hot for this, and Goldberg was still a top draw. I know that he had to leave to film Universal Soldier, but they should have written him out with an injury angle or something. Not have him face Bam Bam Bigelow.
Having Bischoff do the spray-paint sound effects is really obnoxious. Seriously. He’s just spitting into the damn microphone. The episode airs with the nWo celebraiting into the camera, as so, so, so
so, so many Nitros before it.
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