Michael’s Impact Review

–  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

–  Now inside the Impact Zone, and Gail Kim heads to the ring along with Madison Rayne.  She says she is the most dominant Knockouts Champion in the history of the company.  She built the division and everything revolves around her.  She has one blemish on her resume.  The Knockouts Tag Team Titles.  She wants to challenge Eric Young and ODB-Young to a match for the titles with Madison.  

–  EY and Gail begin it and she works his arm.  They trade holds until EY gets in trouble for a waistlock.  ODB comes in with a fallaway slam.  We’ll be right back.  Back on Impact Wrestling, ODB is in trouble and Madison comes in.  She boots ODB in the head for 2.  Gail back in and ODB spears her down.  HOT TAGS AROUND and Madison hammers EY as he struts around the ring.  Madison slaps him in the face and EY drops trow.  Hiptosses and bodyslams for everybody!  ODB tagged back in and hits a running powerslam on Gail for 2.5.  Gail jumps into the arms of ODB and Madison trips her up and holds the legs down for the win @ 9:48.  We have NEW TNA KNOCKOUT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!  (Comedy match, but good wrestling and a decent opener.  C-.)

–  Hogan is shown in his office and says its been a while since he’s seen him.  He punctuates it with a “holy shizzz”.

–  In the Impact Zone, Rob Van Dam heads out to the ring and calls out Gunner.  Leading to:

–  The brawl on the outside and Gunner throws a chair in the ring.  He comes in and trades shots with RVD. Step over kick drops Gunner followed by Rolling Thunder.  He charges the corner for the monkey flip and gets nailed in the jaw with an elbow.  Cover gets 2.  RVD battles back and Gunner grabs the chair.  RVD with a side kick to the chair and Gunner is out.  RVD heads up top and NAILS A FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH ACROSS THE ENTIRE RING FOR THE WIN !@ 2:52.  (Simple squash but great ending.  D+.)

–  Back on Impact, Devon is in the ring.  Oh yeah, we forgot to defend the TV belt last week.  He took part in the battle royal last week so he couldn’t defend his belt.  He wants to give Garret Bischoff a chance at the belt since he eliminated him last week.  Dear God.

–  Devon begins with a side headlock takeover.  Garret returns with the same and Devon misses a shoulderblock.  Both men back to their feet.  Devon grabs a side headlock and here comes ROBBIE T and Robbie E for the DRAW @ 55 seconds.  (DUD)  Devon takes out both men and now Garret helps him out.  

–  Hogan is in his office and tells Jeff Hardy he is eliminated from contention.  

–  Bully Ray makes his way to the ring and fucks with crowd plants before entering.  Hogan eliminated him from contention and he is pissed off.  He will take it out on everyone in the Impact Zone.  Please be my guest.  He calls out Joseph Park and here he comes down to the ring.  Park wants to hold court with the IZ as a jury.  Crowd chants guilty and Ray drops Park.  He whips him with a chain and tells him “not guilty”.  

–  Next Gut Check victim is Joey Ryan.  He is from PWG and looks like the Genius off of growth.

–  Nice chain wrestling to start and Aries takes him down on a drop toe hold.  Ryan slaps him and Aries beats him to the outside.  Aries grabs his chest hair and Ryan slaps him away.  He goes for a pump handle slam and Aries counters with a ROARIN elbow.  Ryan on the apron and he slingshots into a dropkick by Aries.  He slugs Aries down in the corner.  Wheelbarrow Slam by Ryan gets 2.  Aries catches him with a dropkick to the corner and Brain Buster ends it @ 4:07.  (Ryan is impressive.  Aries keeps making it look so easy.  B-.)

–  THE DECISION (not that one) is next!

–  Bobby Roode is headed to the ring and it’s only 10:20?  Can TNA give us a 30 minute main event?  Come on, a man can hope, can’t he?  AJ Style and Kurt Angle head to the ring and now, Hulk Hogan.  Hogan rambles and its is taking away from the match.  Finally he decides on AJ Styles.

–  Roode bails immediately to slow the pace.  Test of Strength and Roode backs AJ to the corner for chops.    AJ explodes out the corner with a dropkick.  Roode to the outside and we’ll be right back!  Back on Impact after 3 minutes of TNA promos on the other side of 3 minutes of regular commercials.  AJ gets backdropped to the floor and Roode slams his shoulder to the ringpost.  Back inside, cover gets 2.  Roode works the arm over the ropes and stomps on it.  AJ tries fighting back and Roode smacks the arm again.  Roode charges and AJ backdrops him to the floor.  AJ slingshots to the floor.  AJ sends Roode into the ringsteps.  AJ charges and gets HIPTOSSED on top of the ringsteps!  Back inside, Roode covers for 2.  Elsewhere, Hulk Hogan is notified his guest is here.  We’ll be right back.  Back AGAIN on Impact, and Roode drops AJ with a high impact suplex.  Cover gets 2.5.  AJ on the apron, tries a slingshot back in and Roode hits the ropes.  Roode charges into a shoulderblock and AJ springboards into the ring with a forearm.  Cover gets 2.8!  Roode sets AJ on the top rope.  Roode tries the superplex.  AJ headbutts him down.  HIGH MISSILE DROPKICK CONNECTS FOR 2.99999999999!  Roode tries the fisherman suplex, AJ blocks, hits the ropes and SPEARED by Roode.  Cover gets 2.9!  Roode clamps on a Crossface, but AJ counters with a roll-up for 2.  Bridging Chinlock by AJ applied!  Roode makes the ropes.    AJ charges into a DOUBLE R SPINEBUSTER!  Fisherman Suplex by Roode gets 2.9999999999999999999999!  AJ up, side steps Roode, and PELE KICK!  AJ looks up the ramp, goes for the springboard 450, Roode gets the knees up, Fisherman Suplex gets Roode the win @ 21:30.  (Great match.  Clean finish, no ref bump, no bullshit.  Just clean wrestling.  A.)

–  Roode is celebrating in the ring as he has became the longest reigning TNA Champion in the history of the company.  He calls for Hulk Hogan to come out to celebrate with him.  After the commercial break, of course.  

–  Back on Impact and Roode is calling for his confetti shower.  And down pours his Mexican America colored confetti.  Roode drinks champagne as Hulk Hogan comes out.  Hogan congratulates him and says one more person wants to celebrate with Roode.  The lights go out and Sting appears.  He beats Roode out of the ring.  Hogan announces that when Impact goes live next Thursday, Roode will face Sting in a Lumberjack Match.  

FINAL THOUGHTS…

–  Son of a bitch.  I’m pulling for the under dog.  I’m amazed at how great that main event was…and then BLAM!  Back to reality with the last 3 minutes of Impact!  STING?!?  Fucking Sting?!?  Even I, the same guy who painted his face like Sting and went to countless WCW/NWA shows in the late 80’s and early 90’s screaming for Sting is saying “fuck this guy”!  How am I supposed to care about Sting vs Bobby Roode next week.  Remember when Roode beat the living FUCK out of him at Victory Road?  Why do I care?  No no no, TNA.  BAD TNA!  See you next week.  Sorry about the swearing.