Assorted May-Per-View Countdown: WCW Wrestlewar 92

The Netcop Retro Rant for WrestleWar 1992: WarGames. – Live from Jacksonville, FL – Your hosts are Jesse Ventura and Jim Ross. – Opening match:  US tag titles, Greg Valentine & Terry Taylor v. The Freebirds.  The titles were all but dead at this point.  So was Terry Taylor’s career.  Freebirds were faces, if it matters.  Valentine and Taylor do some goofy heel miscommunication stuff to establish their heeldom.  Michael “7 minute stall” Hayes is somewhere between #10 and #5 on my “Wrestlers I hate with a passion” list.  (I’m sure if I was black the feeling would be mutual.)  Jimmy Garvin is in the top 5.  (No, I don’t have an actual list, I’m trying to make a point here.)  Freebirds with the devastating double-team armbar on Valentine. Then on Taylor.  I guess they saw it on TV and thought they would look like wrestlers if they did it, too.  Taylor dumps Garvin out of the ring, signalling the Face in Peril stage.  Hammer and Taylor hold it together a bit better while in control, but it doesn’t last long as Hayes gets the hot tag.  Pier six brawl and Hayes gets the DDT, but Taylor nails the Fivearm with the ref distracted.  Only gets two.  Hayes becomes the Ricky Morton.  Valentine hooks the figure four but Hayes escapes.  Hot tag to Garvin, who cleans house.  DDT on Taylor for the pin and the US tag titles.  Huge pop.  ** – (Not Yet) Fat Tony and Uncle Eric analyze the staggeringly obvious. – Tracy Smothers v. Johnny B. Badd.  Steve Armstrong had jumped to the WWF with the incredibly successful Lance Cassidy gimmick at this point, so Tracy gets to try a singles career.  (Oddly enough, it was Tracy who ended up with the more successful singles career after getting left behind.  Armstrong curse, I guess.)  Decent match to start, as Tracy carries things nicely.  Tracy with a nice back elbow off the top for two.  They botch a rollover on a crossbody, but cover up good enough.  A few restholds from Tracy, and then a high knee from Badd begins the comeback.  Powerslam and Badd goes to the top.  Sunset flip off the top for two.  Tracy misses the karate kick and Badd with the Bart Gunn left hook for the pin.  **1/2 – Missy Hyatt interviews the Freebirds (and Precious).  (That was a weird period.  She kind of disappeared again when the Birds turned heel again.)  – Marcus Alexander Bagwell v. Scotty Flamingo.  Were I to do this recap today, that would have read “Buff Bagwell v. Raven”.  No wonder he became so bitter and jaded, being stuck with that gimmick. (It was a big part of it, in fact.)  Long lockup sequence.  Then a bitch-slapping sequence.  Bagwell gets some token two-counts and then gets dumped out by Scotty.  Both guys look very green.  Decent but very basic match which goes back and forth with no advantage until Flamingo reverses a rollup for the pin.  Lord knows why Scotty was ever pushed in the first place.  **1/4 – Junkfood Dog & Ron Simmons v. Curtis “When you suck this much, they call you Mister” Hughes & Cactus Jack.  Whose ass is bigger:  Simmons, JYD, or Mick?  Cactus ambushes JYD and puts him out.  Go, Cactus! Simmons decides to go it alone.  A lot of clotheslines are involved. For those looking for historical precedent in the Bobby Walker case, look no further than Ron Simmons, who was pushed to the World title amidst allegations of racism in 1992.  (Walker was a WCW jobber who got fired in the late 90s and basically sued because he felt that his career prospects would have been better had he been white.  My feeling is that training at the Power Plant was his first mistake as far as career prospects go.)  Of course, Bill Watts likely is a racist, (…allegedly) but that’s neither here nor there.  This is basically a singles match between Hughes and Simmons, with Cactus on the outside acting like his usual charming self.  Simmons with a spinebuster, then a clip for the pin (!?).  Not terrible.  *1/2  (This period is so boring that I barely have anything to mock in this rant.)  – Todd Champion v. Super Invader.  Invader is the wrestler better known as Hercules.  Champion (not to be confused with non-relative Chris Champion) would go on to be another in the proud line of lame duck USWA Unified World champions.  This would be a total squash.  Kick and punch restfest all the way.  Invader blows a few simple spots during Champion’s comeback and then finishes Champion off with a powerbomb. 1/4*  (Not sure why Champion never got over given that he looks exactly like Vince would want someone to look.  Oh yeah, he was terrible.)  – Ricky Morton v. Big Josh.  For the 18th time, Josh is Matt Bourne, aka Doink the Clown.  Both guys are decent on a bad day and great on a good one, and this is somewhere in between.  (Zzzzzz.)  No real advantage from either guy.  Morton makes a mistake and Josh hits the sitdown splash for the pin.  I have nothing to really say about this.  **1/2 – Light heavyweight title:  Brian Pillman v. Tom Zenk.  This was during the original WCW light heavy division, which produced less than enthralling results outside of getting Jushin Liger over.  They do the “Tag partners know each others’ minds” bits to establish their former friendship.  Jesse gleefully awaits the first cheap shot.  Lots of mat wrestling which bores the crowd.  Pillman starts talking trash, subtly building his eventual heel turn later in the year.  Zenk lands a splash on Pillman’s knees and Pillman works on Zenk’s leg.  Enzuigiri turns the tide.  Zenk goes kneefirst to the turnbuckle and Pillman slaps on the figure-four and starts slapping his face.  Zenk reverses.  Pillman retakes controls, but Zenk reverses Air Pillman into a powerslam for two.  Crucifix by Pillman reversed to a fallaway slam, but Pillman holds on to the crucifix for two.  Pillman tries a superplex but it’s blocked. Flying cross-body (way oversold by Pillman) for two.  Duelling leapfrogs but they butt heads and it’s a double knockout.  Pillman whip, reverse to a bodydrop.  Pillman picks up Zenk but his knee is gimped.  Pillman to the top, but Zenk was goldbricking — he superkicks him on the way down, but Pillman gets his feet on the ropes.  Zenk to the top, but he misses the dropkick and Pillman with a double-leg-hook-rollover for the pin to retain.  Great match!  **** – The Steiners v. Tatsumi Fujinami & Takayuji Iizuka.  I know Fujinami but I don’t know the other guy.  Scott does a proper Blockbuster on both guys — something I haven’t seen him do in a dog’s age.  Iizuka looks really crisp when he gets in and immediately gets over.  Did he ever become anything back in Japan?  (Yup.  Lots of tag titles.)  Scott with the butterfly powerbomb and the bodyvice/elbowdrop double-team that the Steiners used to do when they didn’t suck.  Nasty suplex by Rick on Fujinami.  Iizuka is apparently cut open hardway from the double-team.  He looks to be bleeding from the eye and is having trouble seeing.  Fujinami comes in with a series of stiff kicks to the leg, followed by an anklelock. Steiner rolls him over for two.  Scott with a double-chickenwing on Iizuka for two.  Uranage by Scott.  Rick rubs his knee into Iizuka’s injured face, just to be a dick I guess.  Running bodyvice by Rick. Pumphandle slam by Scott for two.  Iizuka is taking a shitkicking here. Abdominal stretch to a cradle by Scott for two, and Iizuka finally makes the tag.  Big brawl erupts as the Japanese doubleteam Scott.  Fujinami with an abdominal stretch when it calms down.  Iizuka gets back in and gets right back to getting beat on.  Belly to belly for two.  Fujinami back in and Rick clotheslines both guys off the top rope.  Scott puts Iizuka on the top but Fujinami suplexes him off.  Iizuka with a german suplex for two.  Spike piledriver, then Iizuka dropkicks Scott off the top.  Sleeper by Fujinami, into a Dragon Sleeper.  Scott to the ropes. Again, but Scott kicks him in the face.  Double knockout.  Double tag and Rick destroys poor Iizuka.  Pier six, and Rick puts Iizuka on the top and belly to bellies him for the pin.  Fabulous match.  ****1/4 – WarGames:  The Dangerous Alliance v. Sting’s Squadron.  Steve Austin and Barry Windham start out.  Windham had just won the TV title from Steve Austin so there was an issue here.  Thunderous “Paul E Sucks” chants at various points.  Cute spot as Austin grabs the roof and swings at Windham, but he moves and simply allows Austin to fall on his face. Austin does the honors first after having his face rubbed in the mesh. Windham’s taped fist is covered in Austin’s blood.  Aaah, it’s like coming home after the past few years of crappy Wargames.  (Or like now, where there’s no Wargames at all.)  Heels win the coin toss, duh.  Rude is in and works Windham like a motherfucker while Austin sits in the corner and bleeds.  Windham facefirst to the cage and you can guess the result.  You know, the Wargames may have been the only good idea Dusty Rhodes ever had.  Steamboat is in to even it up.  DDTs for everyone and the crowd pops like mad.  Austin is a bloody mess. Windham is valiantly trying to catch up.  I love this match.  Anderson evens it up for the DA.  DDT for Windham, spinebuster for Steamboat. Double crab by AA and Rude on Steamboat.  More chaos and then Dustin in for the faces, and he destroys Anderson.  Rhodes atomic drops Austin and rams his head on the roof in the process.  Windham wedges AA’s head between the rings and pistons him.  Wild.  Rude and Steamboat are fighting nonstop on their own.  Zbyszko in and Rhodes wipes him out right off the bat.  Madusa on the roof and she slips the cell phone into the ring, but Sting chases her down.  Anderson brutalizes some people with it.  Dustin hits a gusher of his own.  Sting in next for the faces and he goes after Anderson.  He presses Rude into the cage multiple times.  Arn to the cage and he’s busted open.  Bobby Eaton is last man in for the Alliance.  Dustin is pumping blood like an oil well.  Rude loosens the top rope for some reason.  Nikita Koloff is the last man for the faces and he and Sting quickly settle their past issues by beating the hell out of Rude and Anderson, then share a hug.  (A great moment in a match full of them.  That’s how REAL MEN settle their differences in wrestling.)  Sting with the Stinger splash and Scorpion on AA, but Bobby breaks it up.  The top rope finally falls off and Eaton uses the metal fork that connects it to the post as a weapon.  Zbyszko takes a swing with the metal rod, but Sting ducks and Eaton gets nailed in the shoulder, and Sting applies an armbar for the submission.  GREAT FUCKING MATCH!!!  *****  Final bleeder count: Austin, Anderson, Rhodes, Windham.  The DA bitches out Larry for the gaff. The Bottom Line: The usual mediocre WCW show, but there’s two excellent scientific matches at the end, and then a BRUTAL Wargames that pretty much blew off the whole Dangerous Alliance angle.  A must see Wargames, the rest is hit or miss, depending on your tastes. Recommended.  (The rant, on the other hand, bored the shit out of me.)